I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
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self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Good morning, Twitter x
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.