“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
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cyclists
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
The dark side of Canada
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
*puts cutlery down*
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no