[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
You Might Also Like
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.