what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
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Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
*feels the wind in my toe hair
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.