[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
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If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Hit me in the face with a bird
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
This is the best one I’ve seen
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.