what could possibly go wrong?
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People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go