[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
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Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books