[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
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Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Florida man
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?