Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
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Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.