We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
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Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
look at me when i’m typing to you
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Life hack
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.