2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
You Might Also Like
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.