*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
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My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
me refusing to leave twitter
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]