Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
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My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.