Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
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Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?