FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
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My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
this is funnier than any friends episode
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me: