Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
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Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims