I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
You Might Also Like
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio