Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
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Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!