My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
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Sometimes? I’m slipping
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*