If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
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When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I believe the plural is “milves.”
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
HOW DARE YOU
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”