But is it really??
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Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids