HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
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Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.