Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
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About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
i was baptized in a car wash
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.