Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
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*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
What personal space?
My dog
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive