COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
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[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Stop.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.