Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
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Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.