“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
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Do not steal food from the science building!
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest