[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
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At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
This guy’s not having it 😆
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
any last words?
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Love is in the air fryer.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.