I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
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My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.