A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Oh my god
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ