[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
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The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
What the hell happened here.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”