“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
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[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.