Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
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My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.