I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
You Might Also Like
I feel seen
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”