This tree does a lot of weird exercises
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Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail