Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
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I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.