Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
You Might Also Like
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.