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What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
A completely valid reaction tbh
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.