I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
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It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese