Nooooooooo!!!
馃尨馃尶馃馃崁馃尦
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Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don鈥檛 know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
If someone says they鈥檙e a lover not a fighter it鈥檚 completely legal to punch them to see if it鈥檚 true.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I鈥檓 being repossessed.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.