Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
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After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
sigh
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.