sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
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Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?