I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
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“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”