Mouse
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You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*