My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
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Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.