I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
#Thanos #MondayMood
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room