*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
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In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.