I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
You Might Also Like
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.