Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
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Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?