Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
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Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space